Mind and work realizations

I haven't posted in a while because I've been alternately busy and depressed.

I don't have much to be depressed about, of course--it's just February, and even though where I'm living now is warmer and sunnier than anywhere I've ever lived before, the shorts days are bumming me out. I get to sunset and I feel like the day's over (even though it's not) and I haven't done a single worthwhile thing (even though I have). I've done this enough times, and my fiance's seen me do this enough times (albeit from afar in previous years), that it's no longer a crisis. I treat it like I would treat any chronic illness. Flare-ups are dealt with as smoothly as possible, I try not to expect to be perfect in dealing with it (this one is the most challenging!), and I get back into the swing of things as quickly as I can, making certain to find ways to work around and through the down times instead of sitting around uselessly hoping to feel better or expecting things out of myself that I know I can't give.

Anyway, with THAT little explanation off my chest, I've got a couple of things to say about life at work lately.

First of all, I'm making some interesting progress, and I'm excited about what I'm doing. I do wish I had more lab space, and--more importantly--more supplies. The reaction vessels I use (also known as the places where I store my samples for several months to observe them) are on backorder and have been for nearly a month. Nobody at SRU has any. So, until I find a suitable substitute, there's not much I can do. We don't seem to stock anything else that would work, either.

Second, I had a hilarious moment this week. As background, Dr. GE has been out of town for a few weeks, so we haven't been having group meetings. He's due back sometime this week. So Dr. TX emailed me this message at 7 PM:

Tomorrow there will be an overview of your reactions at 3 PM. Be prepared. Is that okay?

We needed to meet to discuss what I'd do next, as Dr. TX wasn't around for our meeting earlier that day, but 3 PM the following day was generally group meeting time. I looked at the "be prepared" and remembered how, at the last group meeting I went to, the presenter had only been given one day's notice that he'd be presenting. I realized that he must mean that I'd be presenting my research so far to the group. I knew from previous conversations that group meeting presentations were to be as well-researched and professional as humanly possible, as preparation for general public presentations.

Ack! I emailed to ask for clarification and immediately set about making sure I understood every bit of the chemistry I was doing (I didn't, as Dr. TX has never given me more than a hand-waving explanation of what it is I'm supposedly doing, which is not quite enough as I'm doing exploratory synthesis work, but I figured out a plausible explanation and decided to ask about it the next day) and threw together a presentation on everything I've done so far. HG pampered me, making cookies and tea for me and giving me lots of hugs; though I didn't deserve it, it was nice, because I HATE doing things at the last minute, even when it's not my fault.

And then, finally, after three hours of work, I got an email from the postdoc clarifying that he only meant I was meeting with him to discuss future work. I can only assume he was using "be prepared" to mean "be there," since I left the day before when he was an hour and a half late.

I think there might have been a time when I would have been kind of annoyed about this, but as it is I think it's funny and good for me. I learned how to talk intelligently about my work earlier than I otherwise would have--I've been falling into labmonkey mode a little too easily since I'm being overseen so strictly by Dr. TX at the moment. And I figure if I'm not up for occasional high-caffeine-content nights with massive amounts of new knowledge consumed, I shouldn't be in grad school.

Thirdly, and lastly, I've finally had that "a-HA!" moment where I truly realized for myself, rather than just being told or just knowing intellectually, that being insanely deferential and self-effacing to everyone around me isn't the best career move. This was a work-related realization, but it did come on the heels of a related personal-life talk with HG in which he pointed out (kindly, and in a relevant context) that my idea of how I should treat him while he's working or busy more closely match the ideal behavior of a well-behaved child than that of an actual partner. I'm sure the two are related, but they did have to be separate thought processes, and I'm glad both happened.

Anyway, I'm going to poke my head into Dr. TX's office soon, because he's currently running 45 minutes late on when he said he'd come find me and talk to me today. Thank you all for reading and for your advice on the last few entries!