The last few weeks I feel like I've been exhausted non-stop. I think a lot of it is getting over a pair of illnesses that really wiped me out for most of January, as well as getting used to working a job that requires me to stand most of the day after a month or two of unemployment. I come home and I do my chore-like things and I read my bloggers and then... then I don't want to do anything else. I can't even imagine how I'll eventually build up the ability to do this with kids.
Anyway, I've been also quite emotionally down. I've been reading a lot of blogs of early-career female scientists with great fascination, seeing how they like their lives, or don't. I thought I was doing all right with all this new data; I thought through my career plan again and thought, okay, I can adjust to spending longer in a post-doc position I won't really necessarily enjoy than I expected, etc.
And then yesterday I kinda fell apart. I sobbed all over HG at the prospect of going 5-7 years between my one required teaching year next year (I'm on fellowship the rest of the time) and getting a teaching position after my postdoc(s). I wanted this degree so that I could teach. I like research, but doing only research I lose the spark eventually unless I'm also talking about chemistry--even if it's not about my research. When I'm teaching I remember what I love about my work and it really invigorates me.
As an undergrad I was a TA who convinced people to switch majors to chem or just put more effort into the course simply because, as they put it, they "like how much [I] love it." I get excited about chemistry. I'm passionate about teaching it both to the people who love it and to those who hate it, but will give it a shot when I'll help them along and am encouraging. (I couldn't actually pick which of those two I enjoy more. Both are good. Naturally those who refuse to put in effort are a downer, but very few are like that all the way through if there's someone consistently encouraging them, and those few, well, I don't take them personally. I've never been responsible for the content of a course, so maybe that will change. Maybe I won't like teaching as much then. But I do know that the idea of going that many years without teaching is terrifying to me.
HG suggests a few things, including:
-Trying, in the long run, to get tenure at a school where teaching is the focus, or at least where I could be rewarded for good teaching and not only for my research. (These places exist, right?)
-In the short term, trying to teach at the local CC.
-Teaching high school either long-term or short-term, where I can be near the front lines the battle to keep women from leaving (or, rather, not entering) the sciences.
Meanwhile I don't like the option of teaching high school, though I'd do it if I had to. This is going to come out badly, but--I want to show women who are interested in science a career they might be more likely to be interested in. It seems to me like more people go from "I want to teach high school" to "I want to teach high school science" than from "I want to be a scientist" to "I want to teach science to high schoolers." But that may just be my own prejudices--I have to admit that my own misgivings about going into such a criminally underpaid profession might not be present in some of the people I'd be reaching out to, and thus the "I want to be like my teacher!" instinct that gets a lot of people interested in a subject might actually turn out useful.
As for teaching at a CC here while enrolled in grad school... I'm not sure. I think I might get overcommitted very quickly. However, it does sound nicer than not teaching for what feels like a very very long time to a youngster like me. And on the bright side, if I find I really enjoy teaching at a CC, I suppose I could have a shot at just stopping my schooling after my MS, depending on what that market is like (I'm really not sure).
The long-term suggestion is, of course, my preference. It doesn't help me now, though!
Anyone have any advice? Am I doing the wrong thing--getting a PhD in chemistry--for what my passions are? I should stress that I really, really do enjoy my research. It's just not what I primarily want to do full-time in a career. I do believe that original research keeps teaching fresh, so I also wouldn't want to give it up entirely if I could help it, but I'd rather do all teaching than all research, if I had to choose. Thoughts?
Sigh. Maybe I need to quit reading so many blogs--sometimes it all just feels impossible, and I wonder why I'm even here.
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3 comments:
First off, get used to career crises while you're a graduate student. They happen. All. The. Time. Just because you are having a dismal moment does not by any stretch mean that you are not doing the right thing in the long run.
If you're interested in teaching, I am quite positive that there are universities which place more emphasis on teaching than on research -- most undergraduate professors are that way. At both my undergrad and graduate school, professors who taught undergrad are completely different than graduate professors -- the grad/med professors focus on their research first and foremost and teach and occasional class, whereas the undergrad professors run a small lab on the side but teach full-time (as in, teach every class for a course, as opposed to just one or two classes).
I would definitely look into teaching at a community college or maybe helping to TA an undergrad class again now that you are a graduate student. TAing is not even an option for my program because the field is so specific, but for those who do want teaching experience (not me) the option exists to teach a course at a local undergraduate public university. You should look and see if such a thing exists.
However, you also have the opportunity to really make a difference as a high school teacher too. My most influential teacher was my AP Chem teacher -- before that course, I was set on only going into biology; he inspired me enough to pick up more chemistry and now I am focusing my research on medicinal chemistry. In fact, I felt much more inspired by him than by any of my undergraduate professors (combined) since high school teachers really have the time to sit with students and help mold futures, whereas undergraduate professors may have 300+ students and cannot dedicate that sort of time to each.
Regardless, no need to question your career goals at this point -- I am quite positive that it will not be the last time. Obtaining a Ph.D. appears to be more about who can survive the breakdowns, and less about who actually has the innate intelligence to do the research. :o)
Yep, you need to get used to crises like this! They happen continuously. One blog I would recommend you take a look at is Elwood City's The Thesis Sprint http://ochemgrad.blogspot.com/
He's a final year (hopefully) grad student who has been doing more teaching with the blessing of his PI. (you can try emailing him as well if you specific questions) He's also applying straight from grad school to teaching intensive positions. He has many great thoughts on teaching and some good ideas on how to incorporate that as part of the PhD experience.
Just because your funding doesn't require you to teach, doesn't mean you can't teach! You could do schools outreach work and use your talent for making chemistry sound wonderful to convert high school kids. You could do undergraduate tutoring with out too much time committment (and get bonus income as well).
Get the PhD - even if you do end up teaching high school, the research experience will give you more authority.
Also, as you become a more senior grad student there will be the opportunity to teach research - to undergrad students, new grad students and similar.
Ethedium bromide is right - getting a PhD is about surviving the marathon. Don't sprint too soon!
It's too early for you to get so burned out!
Take the opportunity to teach where you can find it. Will it still satisfy you if it isn't in a formal setting? (Sounds like it will.) Tutoring is always an option. If there are undergrads in your lab, show them how to do what they're doing (this is much appreciated). At least check out your options before you give up!
I have a low-energy problem too, especially during the winter. Hopefully you will feel better soon?
If you're looking for more upbeat blogs (by women who are scientists), I don't think I've ever seen Jokerine remotely depressed.
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